On quitting Instagram

Should I stay or should I go?

Illustration by Kim Hye Rim

God, I’ve been trying to finish this post for 2 weeks now. What am I trying to say? I don’t even know, but I know that I do want to say something. My fingertips are burning, they walk shyly around the keyboard, knowing that there is a concept I want to express because it has been on my mind for long enough and its imaginary walls are unable to contain it anymore. And this is the place for when those thoughts no longer want to be confined inside my head, right?

Lately, I’ve been feeling the call of introversion, the mysterious invitation to seek solace in my inner world - and I’m glad to report that I’ve been enjoying it. There is nothing I need shelter from though, it’s more a rejection of this global need of sharing everything, all the time. I am enjoying being private, and I find that quite rebellious, knowing how much of an oversharer I can be. I find myself asking why we share what we share on Instagram, and why we need to do it so much. Are we longing for connection or are we desperate for validation? I miss the days in which we didn’t write captions as if we were speaking to an audience.

When I opt for leaving the creator/sharer role aside and I participate in social media just as an observer, the result is equally exhausting: I end up overstimulated. In front of my eyes, in a parade of endless scrolling, there are thousands of ideas to write about, plans to do, news to be opinionated about, controversies to deep-dive into, essays to read, trends I should know about… Instagram especially traps me and doesn’t let go of me, it reclaims my attention, but not long enough for me to turn any of these inspirations into something fruitful, fun, or meaningful. So, in the end, is just me, drained and wondering where did my free time go.

In past letters, I told you that this year I am all about slowing doing and being present, and many times I’ve felt that social media doesn’t help me much with that. (Don’t even get me started on the ads. The fucking ads everywhere.) So lately I wonder why the hell I keep an app on my phone that really makes me feel so many negative feelings. I don’t have to. We do have a choice, even If it doesn’t seem so much like it.

To keep my thoughts organized, I decide to write a list of the positive stuff:

• It helps me to promote what I write here.

• I discover new places in Edinburgh (and the rest of the world) to eat, visit, and also workshops, sustainable shops, and other opportunities. Makes my world bigger.

• Keeps me in touch with the people I meet.

But there is some part of me that says that would be nice to try and see if Instagram is really a key factor in those 3 points I just listed…

Everywhere I look, there’s this constant pressure to Do more, be more! and it shines in all its glory every time I open the app. Should I be making more relatable short reels? Or note those ideas to write more in-depth essays here? Should I go to more events? Again: exhaustion.

I don’t need to participate in this constant race to make it. I have a good steady job, I am in love, I am engaged, and healthy, and living in a country I once dreamed about. Making it (or another outdated definition of success based on money and fame) can suck my tits because I think I am already living a beautiful life that I cherish every day. People change, and with them, their own definitions of success. Mine has changed a lot in the last 3 years, to my own surprise. And quoting Alexis Rose from Schitt’s Creek: “Love that journey for me!”

We don’t need to follow anyone - another rebellious thought, I know! And we don’t need to have followers because we are not fucking Jesus. This means that you can stop performing for an audience and just be you: funny, imperfect, messy, unique, contradictory, non-photogenic, lovable you. Set your own timeline and live your own life instead of comparing yours with the curated versions that others are broadcasting. In the real world, stories are not meant to last 10 seconds but a lifetime, so take your time.

So…am I quitting Instagram? I still don’t know, but so far, the app is no longer on my phone. I am working out a way to have a healthy relationship with a platform that doesn’t want to have a healthy relationship with me. I know I am missing out on memes, chats, and probably a million things more, but for the moment, I need to miss out on a few things so I can see clearly. Like with any good spring cleaning, nothing like emptying the room so you can start filling it again with what you really really want to keep.