"It's fine, it's fine, it's fine" - I said to myself two weeks ago, as I saw the last strands of my hair fall onto the hairdresser's floor. The adrenaline and happiness of finally getting the short hair I'd been fantasizing about lately -even if I said I would wait after the wedding - was a bit diluted with some drops of worry that I tried to shake off as quickly as I could. In case you are wondering, they sounded like:
"Brides with short hair are not pretty"
"You'll look like a boy. Or an old lady"
"Not very sexy"
"Everyone will think you've ruined your hair just three weeks before your wedding!"
Listen, I know that ANY of these things are true. My fresh new pixie not only makes me feel chic and minimal, but it also makes me feel like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music and I feel gorgeous!! 💖 And don’t even make me start about how happy I am now that the time dedicated to worrying about my hair has been reduced to zero. Low maintenance girlie who??? I had written a paragraph busting all the worries I was mentioning before one by one but dedicating “airtime” to convince myself that said worries are not true just feels stupid - because nothing could be more obvious.
It’s all in my head. But also, not just in my head?
As a teenager whose absolute dream was to be a Vogue editor (LOL), I grew up surrounded by fashion and lifestyle magazines. The impact of this on my confidence as a girl and later woman would fill another post entirely, but to summarise, all sorts of set-in-stone-truths/advice about love, friendship, career, and even pubic hair are now ingrained in my gorgeous brain. My mum, whose teenage years and young adulthood were marked by bulimia and shame over her own body, did a fantastic job of making sure that I would love any inch of my skin and that I would never have to go through what she went through. But with all the good job my mother did in that department, I inadvertently undid it every time I would open one of my beloved glossy magazines. Why clothes didn’t fall on my body the same way they did on Ashley and Mary Kate? Why my hair wasn’t as long and straight as Avril’s? Where was my tight gap? Why was my nose not as perfect as Sienna’s?
Every time I wouldn’t fit in something like a social situation, an aesthetic, or even a pair of jeans, I would immediately believe that people would think something was wrong with me. This intensified x100 during my fashion blogger years (RIP). And now at 33, I’m just horrorised to realise how much time (and money!) I’ve wasted worrying about these things.
As time goes by, I realise that growing old is not about learning...but unlearning. We've been taught SO 👏🏻 MUCH 👏🏻 BULLSHIT 👏🏻 during our formative years that once you start reaching the other side, grasping for a bit of air, mental peace, and clarity, you can only sight at the prospect of the exhausting task in front of you. Having to unlearn and challenge everything can seem overwhelming. But I am oh-SO ready!
Obviously, all these ✨ realisations ✨ haven’t just occurred because I cut my hair short. It feels reductionist to put it that way since this has been a work in progress - but perhaps this haircut (and how much time I spent worrying about its outcome) was the catalyst. I reviewed moments from my past when I’ve felt embarrassed, unworthy, ugly, fat, uncool…and the majority of them had one thing in common: I was worrying too much about how other people would see me. Or how would I look in photos for social media.
Long story short: I refuse to keep feeling bad for not looking a certain way or feeling guilty for not being a certain way (any other introverted extroverts here?). I refuse to let those feelings of inadequacy ruin special moments. And you should too.
I am currently halfway through Dolly Alderton's "Dear Dolly: Collected Wisdom" (2022) and I read this quote the other day: “(…) because we were signed up to the Patriarchy Cult from birth without our knowledge. And once even when we try to leave, its values are so destructive it takes a whole to deprogramme ourselves.”
So, I have decided to enter my Deprogramming era. (I usually hate this trend of naming absolutely everything but allow me to indulge this time)
And I am not talking about just hair!
🦐 I am deprogramming myself about what friendships should look like. (Or why I am not feeling like a failure anymore for not having a Sex in the City / Friends regular group of girlies to meet with every weekend for brunch - essay on this…one day lol)
🦐 Or what should I wear. (Why are we so obsessed with flattering clothes? Or the right shape or right colour? Why don’t we just enjoy buying and wearing the clothes we like?)
🦐 Or what is the right way to look like. (“How to look good in photos” and that shit. You know what I mean. Don’t even get me started on the “How to look slim in photos”. Bin it. NOW.)
🦐 Or how sex is supposed to be/feel. (This might come as a shock. but good sex is not like in the movies. It’s messier...and better.)
🦐 Even what should I be doing with my life (career goals, hustle culture, making it, motherhood.)
Also, I’ve put shrimp emojis because I love shrimp as a motif. Shrimp are cool, man. And sadly, delicious too. *Cries in I’ve been vegetarian since the 1st of July*
So pretty much that’s it for today! It’s cool to be oneself, you know? I am just finding out. And you shouldn’t trade you for anyone else. And perhaps this is just me getting older and unapologetically enjoying the happiness and confidence that it means. I am just finding out. I am ready for this new chapter of my life, and I am hugging past versions of me, loving them, and telling them I promise to stand by them unconditionally from now on. And I will make sure I celebrate this too on my wedding day next week.🕺🏻
I’ve got the love.
Thank you for reading Sad Little Life 🙂 I am so happy you are here. This is a publication free to read for everyone - if you want to show your support and help this newsletter get discovered in the big Substack ocean, you can like this post, leave a comment, or interact with me in Notes. You can also share your favourite part on social media and tell your friends. See you soon 💛
Oh wow, right in the perfect moment for me: I've just got a haircut. LOL. Honestly, it takes lots of bravery to enter the deprogramming era; you should be proud! I found it very inspirational! Loved the storytelling too x
Oh this was *exactly* what I needed to read this morning, you JOY (and ugh, we must bow down to HRH Julie Andrews- both haircuts are knockouts!!)